Missile Twisting

What a journey this has been, and it's not over yet!

After a hiatus of I don't recall how long (but it's been QUITE a while), I once again take fingers to keyboard, and tap out a few thoughts.

Some few years ago, my Lady and I acknowledged, then began exploring her propensity for kink and how it effects me. We discovered that her enjoyment of "a little slap and tickle" was actually a love and deep desire; we began to polish a new facet of the jewel. Since then, we have brought to light of day that she is poly amorous, and a sexual healer. We researched, then entered (her) into the world of adult video. In doing so, we both knew full well that there were some things we could prepare for, and some we could NOT. We both agreed to accept what we knew of. We also agreed that we would discuss, and (in most cases) accept what risks and surprises were in store for us.

Now she works in a legal brothel.

I condoned the entry of my wife into BOTH of her new professions because I love her and they are expressions of certain very deep parts of who she is. As an actress, she expresses her natural tendency towards seduction. She LOVES making people feel good, wanted and desired. She loves giving pleasure. As a sex worker, she is sooth to the soul. We talk about her work; we have no secrets. Some of her customers come to her just for sex. Some come to be silly, and bring some fun back into their love play. Many come just to be held. ALL want the kind, caring arms of a woman. Each and every time someone books a "party" with her, it's like she changes gears. She genuinely cares about the vulnerable human beings that come for her charms.

I truly believe my Lady to be a healer. Sometimes she uses her knowledge of herbs and Earth medicine. Sometimes it's her mind; she can intelligently discuss ANYTHING! Sometimes it's the intimacy of her body and her love skills that are needed. Often, it's a combination of talents. But always, she gives succor, and she heals.

By the very nature of her work, we can no longer be legitimately possessive of the sex act. This latest left turn, her work in a brothel, is REALLY interesting. Consider: my legally married wife is an exotic dancer, an erotic actress, a working girl in a house of sex, poly amorous, and has given me permission to "play" with others when I have need, provided I stay "safe." Here's what most people DON'T know: both erotic video and sex workers, specifically those in legal brothels are very VERY strictly and regularly tested for medical safety. Remember: most sex diseases are transmitted by exchange of body liquids, which includes saliva. I thought about this one day, and I realized: if I so much as KISS a woman who isn't as clean as my Lady, I could potentially catch something that WILL eventually be passed on.

I supported my Lady's entry into these lines of work. I still support her to this day. I will continue to support her tomorrow, and all following tomorrows. But what if I am indiscriminate with my own conduct? After all we have put ourselves through, I would jeopardize her very career, BOTH of them in fact. Could there be any deeper, more profound hypocrisy?

I can't even count how many people I've known through the years who would look at such a situation and say: "Oh, HELL no !!!" So why do I put up with self-forced celibacy? There are multiple payoffs.

In no particular order, and including but not limited to:
- All of you little "pay-to-play" fuckers can squirm in misery, I GET IT FOR FREE !!! HA HA HA HA HA !!!
- When she needs that comforting voice that speaks to her heart every time she hears it, mine is the one she wants.
- When she needs to unload her stress and worries, I am the vent-dummy and sounding board she looks for, every time.

Through all of these new developments, I have remained her best friend and deepest confidant. When she tells me of customers that leave her room with smiles, or when she successfully "reaches" someone particularly touchy or tough, I swell with pride and tell her I love her.

What she does doesn't bother me. When she needs to "come home," she thinks of me. I am the center of her emotional stability.

There is a place in her heart that will always belong to me; she is given. Only I know in full just how incredible and broadly scoped that reward truly is. So, where most would say "I don't think so," I just smile at the irony, even laugh, and I carry on. I love a good joke, even the ones on me.

If you're reading this, my Lady, know that my love for you is stronger than ever, and grows by the day!

~Dan

Alpha vs Asshole

    Humans have, I've seen, a few herd tendencies. One of them: we will often follow the loudest voice when it resonates with our own individual desires. As with any herd, some individuals tend to lead. They see a clear course of action in given situations, so feel compelled to act. If the person also tends to take charge and direct others as needed, and enacts such tendencies by nature, then to me, that is an alpha behavior.

    At risk of seeming arrogant, I am an alpha personality (kinda explains why I see us benignly, don't it?!!!) I don't seek control of others, only myself.

    I'll admit, when the solution to a given problem is apparent to me, I'll often suggest a course of action to others whose efforts may be required. Indecisiveness and failure to act irritate me; I don't sympathize with the fears. If the solution requires my own action, I'm on the move. Notice: I suggest a course of action; I am not empowered to command any other adult. Those who fail to agree with me then move out and take action, well, that's their choice. I offered my help, further consequences are theirs to "enjoy." And yes, that last is a bit arrogant. 'Fraid I'll have to own that one.

    As for my own actions and suggestions, I am fully aware that my ideas may not be right. I am an intelligent man, but never assume myself the smartest in the room. If my solution proves wrong, so be it. I'll pay any price required. At least I took action or offered a solution. I wasn't paralyzed by indecision.

    Result: my friends and co-workers tend to look to me for solutions.

    When I move, it's for my own satisfaction of effecting the problem with a result. I don't bark and order, I just do what needs doing. The fact that others follow and seek my input often places me in a leadership position. They choose to follow, mainly because I am confident and directed where they are not.

    I am (almost) always self assured, and people respond. You will never get "mealy-mouthed" from me. No matter what I'm saying or doing, I mean it! I'm told this is one of the reasons why people follow me when it's time to act.

    This tendency to "land" in leadership is an alpha trait. No the only one, but a big one.

    Some see "Alphas" as "Aggressive assholes always seeking control." I disagree. I see us more as self assured, confident and unafraid of initiative. Aggressive assholes are not alphas. They are, in my opinion, insecure and over-compensating. Eric Hoffer wrote: "Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength" and I believe it. An alpha is self assured and empowered, not commanding without empowerment.

    Thanks for reading; honor and strength be yours!

American Exceptionalism

It took some time to get to it, but I've finally read Pres. Obama's speech from Tuesday, 09/10/2013, and Pres. Putin's op-ed from Wednesday, 09/11/2013. There is too much in each of them relating to international events for me to comment on. Ashamedly, I am not conversant with all of the issues referenced. What I CAN confidently speak on is Putin's opinion regarding Obama's claim that the U.S. is exceptional, and Putin's view that this is dangerous.

I'll start with American exceptionalism as Obama sees it. I listen to Rush Limbaugh. I agree with much of what he says, though not all. Rush claims that Obama missed the true meaning of exceptionalism in context of America and our people. I don't completely agree. Rush has his definition of "American Exceptionalism," and it's based on his own studied opinions. I agree with how he sees it in that light; America is exceptional in that our government is the first to be based on a constitution which directs the government to serve its populace, versus offering a few rights and privileges to a populace obligated to serve the government. I agree with this view. However, I don't see that as the only possible definition. Obama named America exceptional in our ability to flex our (military) muscle in a controlled, limited action, and achieve far-reaching results. In effect, Obama said we are exceptional in our various international powers, both in diplomacy and in use of force. He implied that a little strike by us goes a long way. That's how I see it boiled down.

Putin takes issue with Obama's claim to America being exceptional. I believe he missed the thrust of Obama's claim. Putin associated Obama's exceptionalism to "American Policy." That is incorrect in the direct context to Obama's speech. Obama indirectly claimed exceptional status in our ability to (paraphrase) 'strike small, hurt big.'

Putin also wrote: "It is extremely dangerous to encourage people to see themselves as exceptional, whatever the motivation." In this, he seems to me to speak from a background of Communist history, where the "State" is all. Citizens are obligated to fit into the many, thus supporting the one. No one person should ever stand out, except as an example of the greatness of the whole.

Here is what Putin misses. Americans are exceptional, though not American people as individuals. In this one thing, Putin is correct: ALL people created equal. However, Americans are different as members of an exceptional society. Our national history, thus identity lends itself to an overall attitude and world-view that is different from any other national people. Here is where I draw from Limbaugh's opinions. We were founded on a principle of individual freedom, with a constitution written to serve personal liberties. Americans are raised to believe ourselves free to pursue our dreams and aspirations. Provided our personal conduct remains in keeping with our laws, we can do pretty much anything we want. We have a direct voice in our own government, and our government is obligated with a duty to protect our voices. We, as Americans, are born to the right of self-determination. No other nation has a history of inception with such principles. Many have come to them over time, but that's not how they started. Or, if they did, none such have yet achieved our immense international power and influence. We Americans are self empowered and raised from birth to feel so. This makes us exceptional. It leads us to feel that obstacles CAN be overcome. They need not be simply accepted as part of the natural course of existence. This colors how we view the world around us, starting with the small scale of our personal lives. At times, this coloring lends itself to ever larger scales. Individual Americans don't feel the need to accept, by default, limited horizons of personal accomplishment. A poor little nothing can, with effort and due diligence, rise to the status of American President.

Two cases in point occur to me, though there are countless others: I call to mind Presidents Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt.

Lincoln was born in a one-room log cabin on a farm in Hardin County, Kentucky. He was largely self-taught, yet eventually managed to learn, then practice Law. He later became the President who freed our slaves.

Roosevelt was sickly and asthmatic as a child, and had to sleep propped up in bed or slouching in a chair during much of his early years. He had frequent childhood ailments. Encouraged by his father, the boy began exercising and boxing to combat his poor physical condition. In later years, Roosevelt helped form the cavalry unit the "Rough Riders." Arguably one of the toughest, most intrepid units in American military history, Roosevelt himself epitomized the Rough Rider ethos. He led from the front, didn't back down and achieved his goals. The sickly child grew into a man who's tactics form some of the very underpinnings of modern U.S. Marine Corps policies to this day.

American exceptionalism, in an individual, can lead to such accomplishments as U.S. Presidency, the Emancipation Proclamation, and the founding of a military unit whose history influenced none other than our Marines. This is the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. American's ARE exceptional. American culture raises us to believe that we can do anything. This attitude is what takes us beyond what any other culture offers in a national identity, on an individual scale.

You're right, Mt. Putin. This CAN be dangerous. It can also be glorious! That's what all of you missed when you subscribed to communism.

Devil-Dan Rants on Emigration

    OK, so maybe I'm a right winger at heart, with some liberal seasoning.  I keep seeing complaints against certain American States' tough stance on illegal immigration.  I'm keep hearing people rant about the unfairness of it all.  I'm getting a little sick of it . . .

    Over the years, I've done some thinking about laws, their upholding, and their breaking.  Why do people form societies?  Why do we write laws?  Etc, etc.  I've come up with a few things.

    From the top: in the animal kingdom, humans are FAR under equipped to exist successfully in pure nature, without real estate development, strip malls and (dare I say it?) Wal-Mart.  Our nails are short, weak and blunt.  Out external senses (sight, hearing and smell) are stunted and we are REALLY slow runners as compared to most lower animals.  So what do we have that sets us above?  Cognitive thought and imagination.  If we can perceive it, we can figure out a way to alter it to suit our needs and wants.  (We are also REALLY prolific, and our mating season is tied more to mood than solar or lunar cycles).

    We, humans, happen to be herd animals, and realize both intellectually and instinctively that there is safety in numbers.  We form communities to protect ourselves and, at need, our fellows from threats.  To maintain order, communities make rules we call laws.

    These laws are dreamed up and implemented to care for the WHOLE community, not any one specific group.

    I don't know if I'm a simpleton or sage, but there doesn't seem to be much grey area here: if you want to be part of a community, follow the rules.  They were formed by a majority, to protect a majority.  There will ALWAYS be a minority that gets screwed.  However, the rules were formed to handle massive numbers of people as fairly as possible.  They were NOT intended to stroke or screw any one person or group.  There WILL be poeple who fall through the cracks, and get a bad deal.  Remember though: it's not ever really about the individual; it's about the community.

    Our legal system was formed and implemented (among other reasons) to address these cracks, and try to make things more fair in an evolving process.  However, to think that a rule is about any one person or group, whether with positive or negative impact, is ridiculous . . . it's not about you, IT'S ABOUT THE COMMUNITY !!!

    So, if you don't like the rules, you have a couple of options.
1.  Get out!  Go live somewhere where the rules are more to your liking.
2.  EARN the right, and position to get those rules changed.

    However, one MUST remember that these rules were designed to serve a LARGE number of people, not one specific group.  Further, they were (ideally) voted on and approved by the majority.  These are rules and laws designed for the community at large.  NOT to cater to one specific group!

    In America, we have a set of rules regarding living here.  You're either a natural born citizen, or you're not.  If you're not, then you came here of your own free will, to be part of our country and society.  You VOLUNTEERED to live amongst one of our communities.  If you want to stay here permanently, there are ways to do that legally.  You take the classes on emigrating, you pass the test for citizenship, you pay the fees required, and you're in.  I abridge this process, and make it sound simple.  It's not, and it isn't cheap.  However, it's part of the rules and laws.

    Immigrants in America have any number of perks and bene's that I don't get.  My shortcomings?  I am Caucasian.  I have fair hair and skin, with blue eyes.  Think about this: has anyone ever heard of a National Association for the Advancement of White People?  Is there a United Caucasian College Fund?  If anyone tried to form such groups, they'd be sued, derided and run out of business as white supremacists, racists, and bigots !!!

    You know what?  Screw you !!!  I don't work any less just because I'm white.  My family is NOT second class because THEY are white.  I am no more or less entitled to ANYTHING because of my skin color, yet no one ever wrote any "affirmative action" plan for us.  I still get reviewed for promotion at work based on my performance, and there is NO leavening of racial demographics involved in MY schedule of raises and benefits.

    America was founded on the principles of religious freedom, and benefits earned from hard work, sacrifice, and contribution to the community at large.  Does anyone see a racial demographic in that list?  NO!!!

    If you're from another country, you can suckle on America's teats for free, BUT YOU COMPLAIN THAT YOU DON'T LIKE THE FLAVOR OF THE MILK ???  Once again: SCREW YOU !!!  Follow the rules and laws, or STFU!!!!

    You know, once upon a time, I enjoyed the humor of the comedian George Lopez.  That was, until I heard him rant that he will ridicule and insult American government until they (effectively we, the voters), stop making laws that single out Mexican immigrants.  So let me get this straight: if you can avoid border patrol agents, come to America ILLEGALLY, take NO steps to naturalize, then we, as a country should make exceptions for you?  Give you jobs and federal benefits?  Give you education opportunities that even natural citizens don't have?  When you have offered NOTHING in return except sales tax for purchases?  And WE pay the price ???  I DON'T THINK SO!!!

    I served eight years in the US Marines.  I, and uncounted thousands of others, wrote a blank check to Uncle Sam, payable in the amount of our lives, to be cashed as needed.  I did this to protect your right your opinions, and ensure your right to speak them.  BUT  . . . I did NOT do it for the privilege of wiping your immigrant arses, when I get nothing in return.  I did it for our American system and way of life.  I did it so EVERYONE (not just you, not just me) could have equal opportunity to advance, WITHIN THE LAWS THAT GOVERN US !!!

       
    So, do NOT tell me that I must pay for your federal benefits, when I get none of them, and you are undocumented.  Do NOT tell me and mine that we are wrong for following the rules of the society we were born into (and have chosen not to leave), but must carry your family without recompense.  Do NOT tell me that I am wrong for not only following the rules, but insisting that you do too.

    Freedom isn't free.  I have paid the price; you need to as well.  Naturalize and follow the rules, or shut up (or just leave).  But STOP telling me I'm wrong for complaining when you suckle off my efforts, I am required to give ever more and more, while you have more welfare babies!

Sex and the City 2 - Aidan's Kiss

Brad Paisley – I'm Still A Guy, Verse 4:

Well, love makes a man do some things he ain't proud of

And in a weak moment I might

Walk your sissie dog, hold your purse at the mall

But remember, I'm still a guy

    I'm afraid my definitions of “manhood” are a little . . . different . . .

    No, bonehead, that does not mean I'm gay !!! It means I don't necessarily believe in the stereotype applications of testosterone. This should clarify as I ramble on (I hope).

    This afternoon, I joined my wife for roughly the whole second half of “Sex In The City 2” the movie.

    First off: the club and karaoke scene. Really? I was waiting for one or all of them to run to a dark corner, spin in circles and explode into Linda Carter! Seriously! Where were the capes and tights??? I always thought that series was about dealing with real women's issues. How does that principle square with leading a public night club in the Islamic middle east through “Kumbaya” for feminists? It was ridiculous, and I was disappointed. That scene didn't need to be there.

But I digress . . . (and I'll do it again!)

    The main reason I'm taking fingers to keyboard is my feelings regarding the issue between Carrie and Big surrounding Aidan's kiss. Now, I'm no Ebert, Siskel is dead and opinions are like sphincters; most people don't want to hear them. Fine, no problem. I'm writing to vent, so log off if you like.

    My wife gives me an affectionate, tender version of “you're a raging weirdo” for my thoughts (lucky for me she loves me for them), but Big pissed me clean off.

    Carrie kissed Aidan. They met by chance in a far away, foreign land. They had dinner, a nice talk about past woes and current families, then shared a walk in a beautiful, romantic setting. Physically, Carrie and Aidan never lost the mutual attraction; it was the mental and emotional issues that killed them as a couple. It only follows human nature that there would be some desire sparking given the circumstances and scenario. Aidan was the stereotypical guy, wanting (though never admitting) that his body still wanted the “one that got away.” So, when he felt the impulse, he leaned in. Carrie started to respond, then freaked and ran. I feel I understand it all. Passions happen. What I told my Lady at that moment was that one of the things raising us two-leggers above animals is our ability to rationalize our passions and step beyond them. It's a choice we make, and are empowered to do so by the structure of our minds. Carrie made the right choice, and stepped away from the desires. The next right choice she made was to call her husband to confess. She waited a bit, tried to sort out her emotions, then she got him on the phone.

    Now, here's where I got angry, and it's part of how different my Lady says I am. Big listened to Carrie's confession, then ended the call with “I'm at work.” *Click* Carrie was left to stew. My Lady asked me how I would have handled that scenario.

    I am generally a pretty decisive man, and I knew within a millisecond how I would have felt and responded, had that been us. I've written before that when a person you respect brings an you an issue, you acknowledge it's importance. Whether or not you agree with their assignment of priority is not yet the question. The fact is, the one you love feels it's important, so you should give it some attention. Carrie spilled her heart to the man whom she allows to own it. She recounted the events, poured out her feelings, and expressed deep remorse. Big blew her off. “Carrie, I'm at work” is the type of thing one says to an underling. It's the short version of “I have more important things to do.” One of my favorite old proverbs: “He will hide with a smile and joke that which he means most.” Corollary: things said off-hand are windows into true feelings. Big did see Carrie as beneath him at that point, which made it OK to “chastise the child for trivialities.” I'm referring to the manner in which he addressed her, not necessarily the intent.

    The manner is the first thing with which I took issue. You DON'T look down on your partner!!!!! As I watched the rest of the movie, I understood what I believe the writers were depicting. Big needed some time to sort it all out. Good call. Step away and calm down. Stay out of the mushroom-cloud zone or you might say something hateful “in the moment.” After talking with my wife, I feel I wouldn't have been so pissed at him had he said something like: “I can't talk to you right now. Let me sort out my feelings and I'll call you back.” Something in that vein. But he didn't. Big spoke to his wife in a condescending manner, failed to acknowledge her strength of feelings and hung up.

Next: how else would I have felt?

    I understand that human bodies don't recognize marriage symbols like rings. Glands see objects of desire and hormones say “go!” The mind makes the decision to follow or deny the desires.

Ex. 1: I see beauty in other women. This does not make my wife less attractive to me. It's not an “either/or” thing. I make the conscious choice not to pursue these women. The attraction is still there and acknowledged, just not acted on.

Ex. 2: The same holds true for my wife regarding other men. She still plays with the “what if” ideas about an old flame with whom we have recently made contact. Reportedly, this guy was a lot of fun in bed. She doesn't act on it, though. It's a conscious choice.

    Had my wife been in Carrie's place with Aidan, I would have told her this: “My love, I am not happy that you romantically kissed another man. While I really don't like you feeling guilt or remorse, I'm kind of gratified that you did. It reinforces my faith in your commitment to us. Now, I don't want you to ever again have to feel that. So, in the future, I have this request: don't be alone with him. Period! Have one of the girls along, or bring me, but don't be alone. This is not a lack of trust. I trust you implicitly. How you reacted to that kiss, and your call to me prove my trust is well founded. But you have a history with this man, and I want you protected from ever again feeling this awful. So just don't be alone with him. OK?”

    My wife says this is extremely rare in men. Most would have started the fight on the spot!

    The next thing that made me want Big's head(s) was how he treated his wife when she got home. He wasn't there. She got off the plane, no Big. She went to the apartment, no Big. She had time to shower and relax, no Big. And all of this time, she's stewing, eating herself up with worry.

    When he finally showed up, she asked where he'd been. He said he was out walking, thinking, “torturing you . . .”

    I'm sorry, but you just don't do that to someone you love. You don't maliciously torture; you don't purposely cause hurt.

    Here's part of the heart of the problem: Big is a character in a script, which means someone wrote him and all of his actions. Someone thought all of this was plausible enough to put on screen. Someone had hopes that someone else would identify and say: “yeah, I've been there and done that.” This means someone thinks people do this shit. What really stinks is that it's true, some people really do this shit !!! It bugs me.

    I guess this is one of my arrogances. If you're not treating your lover as I treat mine, you're doing it wrong! Yes, I know: my way isn't right for everyone. But why not? My wife feels loved, trusted, respected and secure.

    I'm a crust-bucket Marine on civilian duty. Some people call me a troll and say I should be hiding under a bridge killing whoever doesn't pay to pass. But my Lady walks into our home, drops her things and breathes a sigh of relief. She's back in the sanctum, and can relax. Strangers have come here and remarked at the air of peace all through our place. Our friends come over and don't want to leave. Our home is welcoming and calm. Much of that is me. I make sure that whoever is under my roof is safe, protected and has good coffee, lots and lots of good coffee!!!  My wife responds, the family responds, even strangers respond, and we all pitch in to maintain it. It's not all me, but much of it is instigated by a bearded GySgt. Hartman wannabe with a body only a wife could love.

    So here it really is: if I can do it, ME of all people, why can't everyone else???

Good day and good loving,

-Dan

--  "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem."  US President Ronald Reagan, 1985

10 Ways To Piss A Woman Off

I read an article today:

10 Ways To Piss A Woman Off

http://www.stylecaster.com/lifestyle/11212/10-ways-piss-woman-off

    I do that sometimes.  Read the articles, I mean.  It surprises people.

    Andrea Uku offers advice to men on how to avoid pissing off girls they're dating.  I offer a different perspective: turn each of these into something endearing.
    I'll own it, I'm an oddball.  I can invoke "That's sweet!" comments at 100 paces.  Most of what I do for my wife is sincere.  The rest is calculated to get the other side: "I'm gonna yak!"  I find it amusing, especially when I get BOTH reactions from the same woman.  Because inside, they often think even the yak factor is sweet.  Men are easier.  I'm a Marine, and I know testosterone.  ANYTHING sweet is usually gonna get a hurl effect.   Until their lover points at me, looks at them, and asks: "Why can't you . . . "  Then the men just want my scalp.
    I'll invoke a name any Rennie will recognize: the IBRSC stands for "The International Brotherhood of Rogues, Scoundrels and Cads."  If I had the money, I'd be a member, and this is why:
    Their home page is here: http://www.ibrsc.org/ and states: " . . . In a triumphant testament to testosterone, the IBRSC has been established to provide a union for those blokes who consistently dwell in that gray area between chivalry and misogyny."  Then there's a questionnaire on whether or not one fits in with these devils.  Question #8 reads: "Can you generate the emotions of lust and hate in the same woman at the same time?"

    Women friends have asked me how to get sweet/yak from their men.  I've written a few thoughts in this blog, and today, I want to address the points Ms. Uku makes.  Below is a list of her tips, followed by my take on them.

    I'll start with this: my level of sensitivity to my Lady's feelings is a learned behavior, and I work(ed) at it.  This takes, not a level, but a DEPTH of commitment that doesn't come naturally.  Many, MANY people don't want to put in that kind of effort.  Ms. Uku's article, as well as my responses seem aimed at straight men.  Yet I refer to "people."  Both genders, regardless of blurred lines or preferences, want a few things in common.  We ALL want our partner to be sensitive to our needs.  We ALL want to feel acknowledgment and appreciation for our efforts, and we ALL want to feel cared for.  So this entry may read like a how-to just for straight guys, but don't be fooled.  Folks in alternate life styles can be just as bad.

    Now, with no further delay . . .

1. You said you were trying to lose weight, are you sure you want to order dessert?
We all know those girls that just seem to constantly complain about how many calories they consume – hell, I'm probably one of them. But guys, just because we complain to you about it, doesn't mean we're asking you to turn into our nutritionist. Do I want dessert? Yes jackass, I DO!

Me:    "You're breaking your diet.  I LOVE it when you eat like a human!  It makes me want to work it off of you!  Push-ups, crunches, squat-thrusts, everything I learned about boot camp grass drills, only naked in bed!"
    The first statement puts her on the defensive, and may even get a deer-in-the-headlights reaction, because she's expecting something shitty.  Now that you have her undivided attention, turn it around.  Give her a little approval for being real person, not a machine.  Let her know it's OK to relax.

2. You look really tired today
This one's just a big slap in the face, and you know it. Telling someone, whether it's a guy or girl, they look tired is basically the same as saying, "hey, you look like shit." I don't care if she does look like she's just been run over by a truck, it's never OK to tell a girl she looks tired.

Me:    I'll make the plain, blunt statement: "You look tired," but with a difference.  As soon as I NOTICE her looking a haggard, I'll approach her, take her hand in mine, and show concern facially.  The comment will be followed by "are you OK?"  I try to take the slap out of it, show that I worry, and want her well-being.  I'll typically follow that up with a suggestion of something more relaxing to do than whatever we have planned.

Alternate approach:    "How do you do it?"  "What," she asks?  "Show up dragging, yet still manage to look like a Goddess?  Hey!  Are you SURE you don't want to just let me keep you all to myself tonight?"  Leave the choice to her.  If she still want's to go out, then it's this: "You mean, I get to be seen with you?  In public?  Beauty and the beast???  Dammit!  I KNEW I should have brushed my face!!!"
    However you want to phrase it, make her laugh.  Make sure she SEES you noticing the work she put into her appearance even though her shapely ass is somewhere 2-5 feet behind her.

3. My mom and my ex girlfriend are still really good friends
As if meeting a guy's mommy isn't intimidating enough, now we have to worry about her comparing us to your ex? Even if your ex still gets along with your mom, that kind of information definitely falls in the "need to know" category, so keep it to yourself.

Me:    OK, this one, I can't generalize.  My wife and I are unique; we like the same kind of people.  I have two particular exes in town that would make GREAT friends with my Lady, and she would be love them.  Too bad THEY can't handle it.  They're both missing out on a fantastic woman and kindred soul.  And frankly, I miss the intellectual, non-romantic side of the relationships I had with each of them.  If my Mom were still alive, she'd be the same type of person.  She'd be friends with my wife and all my exes equally.  But that's just and only us.  I don't see that in most other people.

4. Those jeans are a lot more flattering than the ones you wore yesterday
There is nothing more infuriating to a girl than backhanded compliments. A guy once told me that his way of flirting (without sounding too interested) was to pay a girl a compliment while still insulting her at the same time. Wrong approach dude! I know it's a commonly held belief that girls like ass-holes, but if you're trying to be one on purpose, you just come off looking stupid.

Me:    Again, I'm different.  I simply wouldn't compare the two outfits.
 
Then again . . .
"You know, those jeans yesterday did great things for your legs, but I REALLY like to color of these today.  I won't talk about how your ass looks because both pairs make want them on the floor!"
    If you're going to compare the outfits, don't put either one in a negative light.  Compliment them both for different reasons.  Then, it's closer to OK to emphasize one over the other.

5. Chill Out
Put together, these have to be the two most annoying words in the English language. When I'm really heated, the last thing I want is for someone to tell me to chill out, relax or calm down – whether I need to or not. It just makes me crazier and want to yell back, "why don't you chill out?"

Me:    I don't tell my Lady to chill out when she's serious.  I sit down, say, on a couch.  Pat the seat beside me inviting her to join, then I listen.  A trick I learned over the years: occasionally recap major points, maybe rephrasing them a little, just to be sure you understand the issue.  After each recap, ask her to go on.  Let her get them all off of her chest.  THEN you respond.  Address each one, be clear, and ensure that you look for the middle ground.  Just because she's pissed doesn't mean she has to get her way.  However, if she IS pissed, then these subjects are important to her.  Address them and mean it!  Either way, try not to match the hyper level of emotion.  Talk to her seriously and calmly, like you're getting a medical diagnosis and it's critical.  Let her know her opinions matter.  Before long, the screaming will stop, and the blood will slow down.  She might not get everything she wants, but she'll feel gratified that you gave her the sincere attention.  Give some, get some.  Or you might not "get some" anymore!

Alternative:     You don't really care.  If the chemistry between you isn't good enough to continue the current level of the relationship, you might be feeling a bit put upon for having to deal with "this shit."  Remember: not all people are designed to get along with all other people.  Sometimes, they're just not compatible enough.  That doesn't make either of you bad.  It only means that you aren't right for each other.  Dating is a trial period.  This is a cheesy analogy, but it works:  Dating is like the clothing store changing room of love.  Some outfits look great on Tyra Banks or Vin Diesel, others are more for Liv Tyler or Robert Pattinson.  If she's upset and you find your give-a-shitter isn't spiking, give the attention anyway.  She's still a worthwhile person whether she pleases you or not.  Now's the time to start thinking about planning a serious talk about that compatibility.  DON'T HAVE IT RIGHT NOW !!!  Resolve the current issues, and let the dust settle.  Remember, I said PLAN the compatibility talk.  No one will leave that conversation whole.  It's ALWAYS painful to learn you're not what your partner is looking for.  But with some caring, you can come closer to making the point that this is life, not a failure.  You won't fully succeed; one or both of you will feel the failure.  Live with it.  But address it with some compassion and you'll both get over it faster.

6. I'm not a fan of your friends
In the worlds of the Spice Girls, "If you wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends, make it last forever, friendship never ends." I couldn't have said it any better myself.

Me:    OK, I have to start with a little venom.  Sorry, but I gotta!  Women's mags love to scream the evils of double standards in dating.  Guys who sleep around are studs, players, DA-MAN's, etc.  Women who sleep around are freaks, sluts, tramps, pick a name.  It's not right.  A woman SHOULD be in touch with her own sexuality, and be unafraid to express it.  It is NOT dirty!!!  Sorry, that's a hot spot for me, but back to the point.
    Issues with your partners friends is often another double standard.  You can't expect your lover to accept all of your friends if you won't accept theirs.  Ladies: you want him to be closer to your friends?  You want him to accept them and be OK with your emotional reliance on them?  You want all of that from him?  Them give some back to him!  Men, the same goes for you.  Make the effort.  There will be times when you want to be with just the guys, and there's nothing wrong with that.  But you have to allow your Lady time with her crew as well.  This does NOT mean that either of you has to like all of your partners friends.  With some people, you simply can't, and it goes back to basic human compatibility which I touched on in #5.  In fairness, you have to at least accept them.

7. I'm on a diet
I'm all about feminism, equality, blah blah blah, but there's just something unattractive about a guy who diets. Have a balanced lifestyle, exercise, all that good stuff – but guys, if you're going to be stricter about your calorie and fat intake than I am, it's just a turn-off.

Me:    For this one, I can throw in some yak factor.  Yippee !!
    "Honey, that looks delicious, but if I eat any of that, I'll love it and won't want to stop.  I'll get slow and sleepy, and I won't have the energy to give you all of the attention you so richly deserve!  Didn't you say you love how I look?  Don't you know that I'm trying to stay in perfect shape just for you?  So I can keep my position(s) as your on-call orgasm provider?"  Make it sappy; go for the laugh!  If you comment on the artery-hating qualities of any given meal your partner is having, they'll feel like it's a back-handed guilt trip, or maybe condescension.  Lights flash, klaxons blare, whooping alarms sound, Capt. Kirk says "red alert, shields up, axillary power to forward phasers."  Suggestion: look up the comedian "Dane Cook," and find his bit called "Brain Ninja's," 'cause you just swore out a hit on your mental happy place!

Here's a link to the mighty Dane: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cMAu6HeLx4&feature=player_detailpage#t=73s

8. Are you in a bad mood or something?
The appropriate answer to an annoying question like this is, "Well no, I wasn't in a bad mood until you just asked me that!"

Me:    "OK, who's ass am I kicking???"  Her: "I don't NEED you to kick anyone's ass, dammit!"  Me: "I know you don't, and I love that about you.  But just because you can take care of yourself doesn't mean you have to.  Your dirty work is MY job, and you look pissed, so I want someone's blood!  Again: who am I killing?"

Alternate approach:    No lead in, go right for the throat: "You have three choices: 1. Give me the name of whoever pissed you off and I'll handle the rest.  You keep plausible deniability.  2. Talk to me and tell me what's bothering you.  3. Refuse 1 and 2 if you want, but then I'll have to drop you right here lick the truth out of you!"
 
    Who loses???

9. But my ex-girlfriend used to do it...
Then why don't you just go back to your ex girlfriend? Guys, if you say this to a girl, no matter what the "it" is you're referring to, you deserve to be dumped. No ifs, and or buts about it.

Me:    I don't mention the ex(es); there is no comparison.  If an ex did something I really liked, I'll just ask for it.  No reference to who has gone before.  And if my wife doesn't like to do it, that's it.  For now.  What she'll remember is that I asked, and was understanding when "no" was the answer.  Later on, if I have gone a few extra miles for her, she may be willing to reconsider.  It's a combo of two things: 1. personal choice.  2. give and take.

    On the other hand, I feel the need to remind you all: sensitivity is a learned behavior.  Admittedly, men are more likely to need the training than women.  But that isn't always the case.  Either of you: if your lover has ALREADY gone that extra mile, then re-think your dislike for the request.  If they're willing to push the boundaries for you, isn't it only right that you do some of the same?  I get it, there are some places that we, as individuals, simply refuse to explore.  There could be any of millions of reasons why.  Personal boundaries are a very ENTITLED choice.  But think it over: what are your reasons?  And is it worth it to not put them aside?  Just how much does this person matter to you?  I'm not saying throw all of the boundaries away.  I'm saying re-assess them.  Could they be unreasonable?  If yes, you should at least CONSIDER getting past them.  If, in all fairness, you still can't, then fine.  But at least make the sincere effort to think it over.  I repeat: this goes for BOTH of you.  If you want your relationship to last, there MUST be mutual compromise.  By definition, compromise includes some measure of sacrifice.  That's life!

10. Your sister's really pretty
And what am  I – chopped liver? Do I really have to explain why this isn't an appropriate thing to say? Obviously, I know you're not purposefully trying to be rude, but a little sensitivity wouldn't kill you buddy!

HA!  I've got this one NAILED!  Here's an except from a previous blog entry of mine:

" . . . I remember sitting in my home once with my Lady and two friends whom are married.  We were watching something inane on TV that included a REALLY pretty woman in a bikini.  Now here is a little bit of slickness: I looked at the woman on TV, and mentioned in an off-hand manner: "That woman is GORGEOUS!  Hell, she's ALMOST as sexy as my Wife!"
    I've noticed that many woman are insecure about their appearances.  They'll ask their lover: "Do you think she's pretty?"  Just about every man with brain cells that touch knows that this is a hidden land-mine.  If he says "yes," then the response is (to quote Jeff Foxworthy): "why don't you have Sigourney Weaver make you a meatloaf ??? "  If the answer is "no," he's simply a liar.
    I feel my answer is more elegant and keeps a man out of trouble.  So I dropped my little smarm.  Everyone there, including (especially) my Lady, recognized the ploy, and I got chuckles.  What I got that most men don't is the small, secret smile from my Lady, because she did recognize the ploy, and liked that I would phrase it for her benefit . . . "

(Read the full entry here: http://combind.blogspot.com/2010/08/counting-my-blessings.html)

Thanks for reading!

Good day, and good loving,
-Dan

--  "Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem."  US President Ronald Reagan, 1985

What's in YOUR Mirror???

I got an interesting phone call yesterday. I was actually in the middle of a family conference, but considering who called, I took it anyway.

There is a man whom I have known for 25 years. For this entry, I'll call him "DS." Funny thing: he ought to be a dentist, his full initials are DDS!

(sound effect: rimshot "ba-dum-tsh")

From 9th grade through 12th, ages 15-18, DS was my closest friend. We spent a large proportion of our free time together, and talked about EVERYTHING!!! We explored the vastness of space, and the confines of female spaces. We discussed the depths of personal psychology, and the psychology of personal depth. I consider myself an introspective man. Much of that, I taught myself by rallying to challenges from his keen mind.

He and I both served in the Marines, where we lost touch with each other. We had no contact until maybe about a year ago. I did a little digging, and came up with a phone number that turned out to be his Mother. I called her, and she forwarded my number to him. Bingo!

So, I'm back in touch with DS, he has read these, my blogs, and called me yesterday to share his impressions. I must say, it was gratifying in the extreme to hear praise for my thoughts from an intellect such as his.

He apologized to me for not communicating sooner than he had, so I reminded him of a recurrent theme in my entries: acceptance. He is who he is. His life and current priorities don't allow much room to speak with me from two time zone's distance. I accept this. As I said, he is who he is. Further, he is under no obligation to call or write on any kind of set schedule. When he calls, he has an open ear, and friendly mind awaiting him. When he doesn't, we go about our lives, and all is well.

All pretty pedestrian comments so far, right? So what's that bit about the mirror?

DS is often a man of few words, and he mentioned to me that he felt badly for not EVER writing to me at any great length, as I write to him. I recalled to him a tradition: many people I know, when graduating high school, circulated a yearbook amongst their friends, collecting autographs. DS and I were not exceptions. When we exchanged ours, I wrote him a couple of heartfelt paragraphs. DS wrote me a few heartfelt lines. That difference in verbosity continues to this day.  I told him today that perhaps this disparity implied different levels of personal security. Maybe I just feel more of a need for praise, or at least attention.

This evening, my wife asked me about the phone call I took from DS, and we talked about my theory of attention. She and I agree: insecurity isn't "it." In retrospect, she's right. I am one of the most personally secure individuals I've ever known. She and I agreed on two other points: "it" may actually be narcissism, and there's a little narcissist in near everyone.

"Narcissist" you say? What is this "narcissist" thing of which I speak?

Wiki - "Narcissism is the personality trait of egotism, vanity, conceit, or simple selfishness. Applied to a social group, it is sometimes used to denote elitism or an indifference to the plight of others."

(But take heart, it's not all bad!)

'The name "narcissism" was coined by Freud after Narcissus, a figure from Greek myth reputed to be a pathologically self-absorbed young man who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool. Freud believed that some narcissism is an essential part of all of us from birth. Andrew P. Morrison claims that, in adults, a reasonable amount of healthy narcissism allows the individual's perception of his needs to be balanced in relation to others.'

Think about it: how many people can walk past a mirror without looking in it at least once? I know I can't. Ergo, it appears that my own narcissism often manifests itself in my desire to blog, and my hopes that I'll receive opinions and responses.

Then she said something else interesting: what are the seven deadly sins?

Wiki again: " . . . The final version of the list consists of wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony."

My Lady's views connect narcissism with pride, and the question she posed was: "at what point do they REALLY become sins?" At what point do those behaviors become destructive to oneself and/or others?

Regarding narcissism: some of the most successful people in America are VERY narcissistic. In modern times, her own boss has made and lost millions, in one example billions, during his life. Some of his failures were a product of his own short-sightedness; some weren't his fault at all. Yet all of his successes were due in large part to his desire to be second to none. He wants to be the VERY best in the business, whatever business he is in at that moment. And his drive to succeed reflects this desire.

It's really all a matter of personal perception and perspective.

I'm reminded of a scene from the movie "Gladiator," where Commodus, son of Marcus Aurelius, speaks to his father in private. Commodus anticipated being confirmed his father's heir to the Caesar’s Laurel of Rome, and has just been told no, he would not inherit the throne. Commodus speaks:

"You wrote to me once, listing the four chief virtues: Wisdom, justice, fortitude and temperance. As I read the list, I knew I had none of them. But I have other virtues, father. Ambition. That can be a virtue when it drives us to excel. Resourcefulness, courage, perhaps not on the battlefield, but… there are many forms of courage. Devotion, to my family and to you."

For a moment, put aside the fact that Commodus goes on through the movie to become the antagonist. Just look at the lines portrayed in that scene. They were, for me, very easy to sympathize with. Ambition, resourcefulness, courage, devotion. All of these can be VERY powerful traits, when applied wisely. Of course, Commodus WAS the antagonist of the film, and was portrayed showing all of his traits in a MOST selfish manner. The end, of course, is the destruction of Commodus' aims, and his death. This illustrates the negative aspect of his traits, and gives credence to the weight of the seven sins.

Amusing side-point: "Gladiator," while a work of fiction, was very well researched. Some of the characterizations were based on real historical figures, and Commodus was one of them. I read one report claiming that the real Commodus was murdered in his sleep by a famous athlete of his day, a well known and venal wrestler named Narcissus!

Regardless, what's the counterpoint here?

As stated, narcissism can be associated with Pride. Classical history and modern entertainment media are FULL of examples showing the destructive effects of such traits. Yet, other accounts can be perceived to show the potential positives of these same qualities, and that's what my Lady brought up.

Look at her boss. Even better, look at a similar, and far larger example: Donald Trump. If ever in history there was an ambitious narcissist, he would be it. Everything Mr. Trump does has to be bigger, better and more opulent than anyone else. Better still, consider Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft. He's not as ostentatious as Mr. Trump, but in some ways, he's been worlds more influential.

Microsoft Corporation has for years been in and out of court, both in the US and the EU on charges of monopolizing the personal computer industry. Many, many are the entities crying foul at MS's business practices. They often make it difficult near the point of impossibility to make money in any part of the PC industry, because their products are so entrenched into the computing world. MS is integral to a LARGE proportion of all existing PC's, and much of their impetus to work this way was codified by the wolf-in-geeks-clothing who started the company.

However . . .

What are you using to read my blog, right this minute? Personally, I am writing from a PC in my home. 25 years ago, when I first met DS, I would not have DREAMED that I could ever have so powerful a piece of technology at my disposal. That was for the wealthy elite and corporate businesses.

Let's get this straight: be it PC, laptop, notebook or web-capable mobile phone, you are, right this instant, reading my thoughts from a digital device. That device can complete calculations Einstein himself would have taken a month to even write, much less solve.

As I look out my windows (the glass, not the pun), I do not see my local equivalent of Beverly Hills. I see suburbs, and NOT the rich ones. Who would ever think that a family living paycheck to paycheck would have a computer, in-house, that can interpret everything from Dr. Seuss to Dr. Hawking? When I was a young man, no one would.  I would likely have laughed in your face had you suggested it.

(I also would have then gone home and lost both sleep and body fluids to thinking and wishing.)

Today, we take our technology for granted. It has become integral to our lives, it's maintenance and operation a basic assumption in our minute by minute operations.

As many wrongs as Mr. Gates has committed, still, he was instrumental in this: personal computers are now accessible to the masses.

I believe this is a POSITIVE result of the "sin" of pride and it's corollary, narcissism.

You know, some might think that this sermon (if you will), is a windy, wordy defense of love affairs with mirrors. Alas no, ye throwers of stones, heeding not Jesus' words.

(By the way, I think I saw him the other day downtown. He was driving a Chevy with a little plastic Mexican bobbling on his dash.)

No, this was not meant to be self-justifying. My point is actually one of perspective and perception. It is often said that too much of a good thing can hurt you. Not to channel Topol, but "on the other hand," maybe a little bit of a bad thing can help you. Personal wisdom plays a leading role.

Let's examine the seven sins, shall we?

Wrath (or anger) " . . . is a feeling related to one's perception of having been offended/wronged and a tendency to undo that wrongdoing by retaliation."

Without wrath, there would be no vigilantism, and groups like the KKK and Black Panthers would likely not exist. However, wrath is also the impetus for acting to enable justice. Without this application of wrath, would not our military, police and legal systems all be equally non-existent?  While none of these establishments are perfect, without them, all of American society would be pure, uncontrolled chaos.  No one would be safe.

Greed: " . . . is an excessive desire to possess wealth or goods."

Greed and avarice were behind the Enron scandal, when brokers of utility services were called to account for shortages purposely created to enable higher pricing and profiteering. But without greed, I suspect the human desire to invent and innovate technology would be severely curtailed. If our drive to improve our physical environment was fueled exclusively by altruism, things like PERSONAL computers might not exist. These days, cleverness and creativity can make a millionaire out of a pauper with little more than a PC, a web cam and some imagination. Hell, look at the designers of the social networks!

Sloth: " . . . spiritual or emotional apathy."

Basically, sloth is laziness. Of course, a milder form might be the simple desire to relax. In my opinion, sloth is part of the reason why there are starving children, right here in America. Mountains are NOT being moved to help them, as is seen in other countries. Conversely, if one researches back far enough . . .

(Wiki) "Massage is the manipulation of superficial layers of muscle and connective tissue to enhance the function and promote relaxation and well-being."

Throughout recorded history, massage has been recognized as a medical art of great benefit, and has been used to promote health and wellness. This art helps facilitate the healing process of MAJOR bodily tissue groups.

Sloth can be viewed as one reason why massage was invented, and look at the benefits that have come from it!

Pride: " . . . is, depending on the interactional and cultural context, either a high sense of one's personal status (i.e., leading to judgments of personality and character) or the specific mostly positive emotion that is a product of praise or independent self-reflection."

Closely related to narcissism, and enough has already been said on that.

Lust: " . . . is a craving for sexual intercourse."

OK, Wiki digresses by stating " . . . which can sometimes assume a violent or self-indulgent character." Note the word "SOMETIMES." To me, this means that lust alone is not always destructive, it depends on the individual.

I ask this: when boiled down far enough, is not lust the base drive enabling the natural human urge to procreate? If you turn over enough rocks and look deep enough into what you find, the desire to mate and continue our species can be found in near everything we do. And yes, I mean NEAR EVERYTHING! I won't go farther into this one; that would take countless additional blogs to cover completely. Suffice it to say that researchers and thinkers far more educated than I have made careers out of that particular theory, and are still working on it today.

Envy: " . . . (also called invidiousness) is best defined as an emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and either desires it or wishes that the other lacked it."

This goes right back to pride, narcissism and even ambition. If you see and want another's possessions, and are the donkey-wipe who takes them by force, then you prove this trait's quality as a "sin." If, however, you channel that covetous desire into the drive to succeed, then you enable achievement of your own rewards, and may even pave the way for the benefit of others. Remember, I'm writing from a personal computer!

Gluttony: " . . . derived from the Latin gluttire meaning to gulp down or swallow, means over-indulgence and over-consumption of food, drink, or intoxicants to the point of waste."

Sorry, but I can't really defend this one directly. I'm 5'7" and 245 lbs.  I look like a troll and should be guarding a bridge. I love my Scotch and Irish whiskeys, and would probably be an alcoholic if I had the money.

However, "gluttony" is the desire to OVER indulge in food and beverage. The simple desire for good food and beverage is not, in itself, a bad thing. Such a desire has led culinary pioneers to create recipes and meals that address every palate imaginable, and even help sustain those with medical restrictions to their diets. Without such innovators, my wife, my son, and some of our best friends would likely be dead. It IS that serious.

Many have called the trait of "temperance" a "cardinal virtue."

"defined as “moderation in action, thought, or feeling; restraint.”"

The concept of temperance actually rounds out and closes this entry.

A little wine or liquor with dinner can help aid digestion. Too much can aid divorce, masturbation and the purchase of stock in "Excedrin Migraine."

A smoke on occasion can help one to relax. A smoke on EVERY occasion can provide job security to doctors and support hospitals.

Drive and ambition to make money can enable a comfortable life style. Drive and ambition to make ALL the money can lead to Bernard Madoff.

Adieu,
-Dan

Pride Goeth Before the Fall

Well, THIS oughta be interesting!

I have three in-laws who have worked at the bus plant here in town.  In fact, two of them met there and are now married.

I have been unemployed for about two weeks now, and have my application in with a temp service where a dear friend happens to work.  I got the word yesterday morning that the agent working with me wanted to send me out to that same place.  No, I am NOT looking for love at the bus plant . . .

Side note: that sounds like a theme for a country song, doesn't it?  "Love at the bus plant"

Regardless . . .

I have heard horror stories about that plant.  Sweaty conditions, back-breaking work, management usury of employees, the list goes on to include most things one might expect from a factory or sweat shop.  So why am I accepting the assignment?

The answer is simple: I have a wife and two kids.  We have bills to pay.  My vehicle sounds like it's trying to pop a cylinder, and my shot-through suspension thumps horribly whenever I hit a bump.  My wife's car sounds like Rice Krispies for Transformers when she turns a corner and its interior is in pieces.  We are behind on utilities and I actually look forward to paying bills each payday, because maybe I can stop one or two from getting cut off.  We're heading into fall, and will see winter before we know it.  This means more comfortable weather for me, but potential illness and hell for the young 'uns living with us.

There are SOME advantages apparent from the start.  The schedule is Monday through Thursday.  The hours will be long, but a three day weekend will be nice.  And at $11.00 per hour, well, I've been paid worse.  I'll take the assignment, and keep marketing my resume, hoping for a better position somewhere else.

Here's to hoping for the best.

There are some other things to look forward to, though.

My daughter recently moved out to a veritable crash pad with her boyfriend and a few others.  We (the idiot, clueless parents), predicted that at least one friendship would end, and the whole living arrangement would catastrophically fail.

If you disregard the twenty-or-so things we foresaw that actually came true, then the two or three reasons that household failed would appear to be COMPLETELY UNRELATED to those events we predicted.  Thus, we the parents, blinded by our own hubris, are still the out-of-touch, archaic ignoramuses we usually are in the presence of all-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful youth.

So now, our daughter has deigned to move back in.  She is allowing us the privilege of once again supporting her jobless, not-in-college ass, and has even been kind enough to grace us with her half-a-step-above-worthless boyfriend.

A ray of light: we had a talk with herself and him.  It was agreed that she will have a job, and he will be enrolled in classes for his GED, all within the first 90 days of their investiture.  Failure to comply was not even discussed.  So has my Lady and Goddess decreed.  We the elders, anachronisms that we are, have been allowed this illusion of control.  We have also received assurance that there will be donations to household upkeep from the younger, stronger, wiser parties moving in.  (Stop laughing!  Dammit!  I meant it, stop now!  I'm warning you . . . )

So let us suppose (for a non-lucid moment), that these promises are kept.  In theory, we will have four relevant incomes to see us through the colder months and holiday season.  In addition, we have our BIL and SIL with SIL's two toddlers.  BIL has a small income to help support SIL.  SIL is on WIC and food stamps, which is an IMMENSE help with grocery costs.

I surprised my daughters boy-thing in conversation recently.  He claimed he was expecting us all to contribute a flat fee towards bills.  I told him that once the Royal Pain, er, I mean Pair (sorry) are ensconced, I intend to hold a budget meeting with the earners of the house.  We will determine the total household income, and math out the percentage each person earns.  We will then examine the bills for a total cost of living, and divide costs in proportion to income.  In theory, this should support the household, whilst leaving each a portion of their net for personal use.

A moment please: my obviously unfounded anxiety has induced heavy breathing, which in turn has fogged my rose-colored glasses . . .


Wish us luck.

The Strangest Thing

The strangest thing happened to me today.

I happen to be unemployed at the moment.  I went to a personnel agency where, by chance a friend of mine works.  Many, many are the stories I've heard about the rampant stupidity, crass discourtesy, and all around childish lack of professionalism of applicants.  That's life on Monday.  Never mind Tuesday through Friday!

Hearkening back to the anecdotes of horror that I've heard, I decided to do the unexpected.  I updated my online profile with that agency.  I printed a copy of my resume.  I brought my own pen.  I even ensured that I had two accepted forms of ID.  As it happens, I ran out of time to complete the processes required.  However, when I reached a stopping point in my progress, I approached the receptionist, politely and quietly described my dilemma, assured her that I blamed myself for the poor planning, and requested time to return tomorrow.  She gave me a slip of paper detailing their hours the next day, told me that I had done all they needed for this day's session and welcomed me to return upon the morrow.  That's when the strangeness occurred: she smiled and was pleasant!!!  The look on her face was one of relief that she might actually get to deal with a confirmed (versus self-styled) adult.

It causes me to wonder if I am truly such an anachronism.  Set aside, for a moment, my Medievalism hobby, and examine only those habits I have when out and about in town.  I step aside to let people pass, I hold doors when the chance presents itself, I address strangers as Sir and Ma'am.  When dealing with business of any kind, I try to be prepared, conduct myself with professionalism, and give others not only due courtesy, but respect for their positions.  I am ever mindful that just because I don't see the work happen, every person in any given profession has a workload, and dealing with me may take time from it, so I keep my business short and to the point when possible.

I do not make demands out of pure attitude or ego.  In terms of pure humanity, I am the equal of every person I see.  However, the reverse is also true: every person I must be assumed MY equal.  I give people room to conduct their business as they see fit; at the end of the day, I don't sign their checks.

These are, apparently, very "old-world" habits and beliefs.  I rarely see such courtesy and conscientiousness any more, except in the elderly.

How did I end up in such a dated category?  I am only 40!

Sick-N-Wrong

Wrong wrong sick-n-wrong, he’s sick-n-wrong, yeah, sick-n-wrong yeah yeah, he’s sick-n-wrong . . .

You know, it occurs to me that my sense of humor is warped!!!

Just for kicks, I searched Google Images with this string: “eddie thing.” Remember him? The zombie from vintage Iron Maiden cover art? Here’s an example:



I remember I always wanted to know more of his story, maybe find a comic about him. Sad, but I don’t think Iron Maiden ever let anybody have him for that.

Regardless, “eddie thing” was my search. The first page of results had lots of Eddie Van Halen, various other people and characters named “Eddie,” and maybe two images of Eddie Thing. The one I followed lead me to the blog of radio DJ Pat Urban at 93.7 FM “The Bus” in State College, PA. Most of what Pat writes is pretty SFW . . . and a few things aren’t.

He has some pics posted to his blog and some of them struck me as hilarious. Here’s the one that made me laugh the most:

That caption reads: "High Scores. They're Really Important to Some People!"

Over the years, I have had friends who would relate to this humor both positively and negatively. Two in particular come to mind: I know a Marine who stayed in, and is probably a 1st Sgt by now, if not a Sgt. Mjr. (assuming he hasn’t retired). This man has been a health nut since before I met him in 1990, and has ridden in bicycle races. He would, I’m sure, disagree with this image. Another old friend was a radio personality back in the late 80’s when he was in high school. He used to write to me, telling me how he liked to play chicken with skaters . . . in his parents’ station wagon! J.J.’d probably get a laugh from this.

The subject of the moment is my twisted sense of humor. Here’s a joke that had my wife twitching, wishing she wasn’t laughing as well: we both love functional antiques. This subject came up in conversation one night while we were in bed. I had the midnight sillies, bad! The “little light” came on and out popped: “Functional antiques. Is that anything like your Dad on Viagra?”

To be fair, my Lady has a Sire and a step-dad, both of whom she loves dearly, and both, reportedly, have active and working sex drives. Neither needs Viagra. But it was still funny.

There aren’t many people who get my humor. I have a well developed sense of the ridiculous, and tend to find it in the obscure. I remember when I was a Marine serving in Hawaii. I was aboard M.C.A.S. Kaneohe Bay, on Oahu, working in MALS-24’s Avionics division. I had duty section one day. Myself and a couple of others had police call. It was a normal working day, so we were all in cammies. I don’t remember the names of these two Marines, I just remember the occasion.

I was a LCpl. There was one other LCpl. and a female Sgt. from his shop. Here’s the set up: that other LCpl. was about 5’10”, flabby, barrel shaped body, wore glasses and was a good 200-225 # easy. That Sgt. was a smurf. She might have reached 5’3” if she was in heels. She was a cute little thing: plain face but not ugly, glasses, curvy frame, high intellect. Everything a geek like either of us guys would want in a woman. Only, she was in his shop, not mine, and out-ranked us both. She gave me a section of the compound and off I went. She and the other LCpl. went off to another. When I finished, I went to find her for inspection and release. What I saw just cracked me up!!! She was walking towards me with him just behind. He must have been in one hell of a good mood at that moment because he was all over the place. She would notice something that needed to be picked up, point and he would, I kid you not, bounce over to the offending item to get it then return to her. She’d see something else, maybe in some other direction, point it out, and off he'd bounce. She’d see something else, and off he went again. I swear, he looked like a pet orangutan in a peanut-butter-and-pickle costume, jumping to her every command! To this day, no one else sees the humor in this. My wife gets that I am amused, and laughs with me, but doesn’t find it as funny as I do.

Here’s another pic I find hilarious:

That subtext reads: “Gothopotamus. Be lucky it’s on a leash.”

Another lame attempt to be fair: I’m OK with people making social statements with their hair and dress. But come on! At least try to realize that when you look stupid, no one takes your message seriously! Of course, “stupid” is subjective. I’m sure some might call those two brave and intrepid for their willingness to be seen in public looking like that. With that statement, I’d have to agree!

Here’s an interesting one:













That’s a light switch! Who says Catholics are stuck in the middle ages??? Of course, in theory, that might also be a celebration of the world's first Catholic Priest.

In a similar vein:




Come on! Really? Who creates shit like this??? I know! Another fick, sisted twuck like me who gets a laugh from the perverse!

In closing, I’ll share one last bit:



(Caption: "the Fuck You Starin' at Nigga?")

Did YOU know Robert Van Winkle & Marshall Bruce Mathers III were brothers???


(I won't tell you who those two men are; you'll have to look them up.  Nyuk nyuk nyuk!)

Good day and good humor!

-Dan